Frozen pizza sucks _ vice _ canada

My name’s Nick Gazin and I am VICE’s art editor, but I also eat a lot of frozen food. How to cook sauce for spaghetti This is a column where I discuss that. Slow cooker spaghetti sauce from scratch So that’s how that works.


This week’s installment is dedicated to frozen pizza and frozen pizza-inspired foodstuffs. Sauce a spaghetti italienne Most frozen pizza things I’ve tried have been terrible so far, but serves me right for being so lazy that I eat frozen pizza.

I live in New York City, a pizza mecca. Homemade spaghetti sauce to freeze I can just yell, “Piiiiiiizzzzaaaaa!” out my back window and a few random slices will get tossed directly into my open mouth! Anyway here are reviews of the things I ate, although when I look at the photos now, I can’t say for certain why I ate them.

Bagel Bites are one of the major players of frozen food and they must be shown reverence. What to do with spaghetti sauce “Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza…” you know how the ancient hymn goes. Recipe spaghetti sauce It tells you that when pizza is on a bagel you can have pizza anytime. Homemade spaghetti sauce crushed tomatoes Even though it wasn’t difficult to have pizza anytime before the advent of Bagel Bites.

The problem with Bagel Bites is that the pizza scientists were so busy figuring out if they could make pizza anytime that they didn’t think about if they should make pizza anytime. How to make tomato sauce creamy I didn’t wait the recommended few minutes to let the mini pizzas cool and burned my mouth upon biting into the first one.

After my mouth healed, I decided I would probably buy these again. Homemade spaghetti sauce calories You can buy a package containing as many as 72 Bagel Bites, but I think I could probably just stop at 15.

Krasdale sucks. Freezer spaghetti sauce recipe My colleague River Donaghey brought Krasdale brand toilet paper to my home and the low quality of the toilet paper led me to imagine a series of scratchy, thin pizza bagels. Tomato sauce into spaghetti sauce Even the split-level logo looks cheap, like it’s in the process of collapsing. Best homemade spaghetti sauce The name almost feels like a joke. Easy spaghetti sauce It pretty much starts with the word “crass.” It might as well have been called “Oafsdale.”

Although the nine mini pizza bagels looked almost exactly like Bagel Bites, appearances can be deceiving. Spaghetti sauce recipe simple The cheese sucked and tasted like third-rate fake garbage. Sauce spaghetti rapide The bagel’s mouthfeel is like a cruel prank, all cheap and cotton candy-ish. Sauce spaghetti vegetarienne The tomato sauce is fine, I guess. Best crock pot spaghetti sauce The other elements sucked so bad I didn’t notice the sauce. Type of spaghetti sauce I wish I could be more descriptive about how and why it sucked but I can’t. How do you can spaghetti sauce I was in a fugue state where all I could see were visions of toilets on fire and raccoons eating Krasdale products and spitting them out in disgust. Cooking spaghetti in sauce It was like that scene in Terminator 2 when Sarah Connor sees the vision of a playground bursting into flame.

The back of the box warns, “Be Cautious on First Bite.” That’s going to be the title of my book about the joy of cooking frozen food. Spaghetti sauce no tomato These 15 little rolls are like crust envelopes and inside each envelope is a letter that says, “Cheese and sauce, but mostly air.”

They’re are better than Krasdale mini pizzas, but not as good as Bagel Bites. Best spaghetti sauce recipe I get the sense no frozen pizza thing will dethrone Bagel Bites as the best frozen pizza-inspired food product.

Despite cooking the rolls to the point where the sauce exploded out of some of them, the cheese was not totally melted and looked like a mass of partially-melted little cheese cubes.

When I finally ate the cooked rolls, their flavour was overwhelmed by the taste of bread and tangy sauce. Sauce a spaghetti au four All subtlety was lost and the component parts failed to complement each other, instead competing for attention from your taste buds. Sauce spaghetti a la viande When you bite into them, there’s a springiness, like a springboard . Recipe using spaghetti sauce The resistance gives each bite a feeling of accomplishment: “No, pizza roll, I will eat you!” And then you eat the pizza roll. Secret spaghetti sauce ingredient And then you eat all of the pizza rolls. Spaghetti sauce brands list And then you are the winner.

This didn’t come out looking like I expected. Homemade spaghetti sauce with tomato paste For one, the cheese melted far beyond the perimeters of the pizza and was orange, and second, it was labeled as mushroom-flavoured when it is clearly nightmare-style.

When I picked up this lonely man’s pizza, the crust was rigid like a frisbee. Best spaghetti meat sauce The cheese didn’t feel right, and coated my teeth like a thick plaque, sticking in every crevice of my molars imaginable. Pasta with sauce recipe The mouthfeel could only be described as “panic-inducing.” The cheese and sauce may have morphed together into one orange substance that looked like what you get when you add water to corn starch. Spaghetti sauce using tomato paste This was more like eating a round matzoh with congealed chowder on it. Spaghetti sauce recipe with ground beef I wouldn’t eat it again for less than $50.

The sauce was as sweet as jelly. Homemade tomato sauce for spaghetti The crust was like a bread whoopee cushion. Ingredients spaghetti sauce The cheese was like a weird un-cheese. Best homemade spaghetti meat sauce Better than Celeste, but not good enough that I would ever eat it again.

These are pleasant in both texture and warmth. Sauce spaghetti italienne Like every frozen food that’s swaddled in a bread wrap, these all exploded in the oven, but that was to be expected. Real spaghetti sauce The taste was a little bland, but Cholula fixed that.

One thing I noticed is that on other Amy’s foods, like the Mattar Paneer or Pad Thai, the boxes have a message on the back that states Amy’s parents are friends with Indian people and/or Thai people. Spaghetti sauce tomato sauce The back of the pizza snacks’ box doesn’t mention anything about being pals with Italian people, which made me sad.

I want to know that the people who make the frozen, pizza-inspired foodlery have at least one friend of Italian descent. Spaghetti sauce with ground beef Otherwise, it feels like cultural appropriation, which is a major concern when I eat pouch food.