Protests, partying and perfect hangover cures_ an alternative student survival guide _ culture _ the guardian

Make sure to turn up any music or television you are listening to so your neighbours can enjoy it, too. Avocado and egg treatment for the hair Likewise, it’s always good to make as much noise when walking around your flat just to let them know you are in; nobody likes to be lonely, after all! If they have pets, take them and house them for a fortnight or so: after grieving over their assumed deaths, they’ll get a wonderful feeling when you give them back. Avocado egg and olive oil hair mask This ideal neighbourly system of entertainment, inspiration and surprise has left many of mine desperate to share it with others by moving out immediately.

As Rihanna once sang, if you want a cheap night out, you have to “work, work, work, work, work, work”. Avocado and egg for breakfast Or, at least, you have to pretend to. Avocado and egg salad Set up an Insta/Snapchat for culture/food/drink containing a few artsy photos of your dinner, cuppa or pet pug and – hey presto! – you’re in for evenings spent blagging freebie drinks/gig tickets/pointlessly trendy meals of avocado on toast. Avocado and egg for skin Soon you’ll be swimming in so much complementary booze that all you’ll be capable of is slurring incomprehensibly.

Avocado and egg weight loss For which, you may also see the lyrics of Rihanna’s Work. Egg and avocado bake recipe HOW TO GET PEOPLE TO GO TO YOUR CLUB NIGHT

Freshers week is chaos. Avocado and fried egg I didn’t make many friends in the halls I was staying in, I made friends with some people who lived in another halls of residence, so I decided to move to that one with them. Baked avocado w egg For the rest of my time in university they became my best friends and housemates. Bacon egg and avocado The only downside was they all happened to be English lit students and I was an architecture student. Avocado and poached egg Two very different endeavours! English students tend to binge-write before deadlines whereas architecture requires constant legwork and concentration. Avocado and egg baked in oven So try to find people to live with who might keep the same hours as you and share the same work ethic. Is avocado and egg good for your hair Given how the Tory Baby Boomers have messed up your future, you’re gonna need that 2:1. Egg and avocado breakfast HOW TO HUSTLE

Lower people’s expectations In order to impress your peers sufficiently enough for them to want to “take part” in your “scene”, they must first be convinced of your all-encompassing irrelevance, at which point singing vaguely in tune or being able to organise a “night” suddenly seem like minor miracles. Avocado deviled eggs recipe no mayo The lower they think of you, the better you are.

Establish a common source of villainy This will encourage people to step beyond the tepid narrative of constructive argument: listening, dialogue, tolerance, etc. Egg and avocado on toast These things are old hat. Poached egg and avocado breakfast What folks are after now is somewhere convenient to store all of the hatred they can’t quite take out on their families and “loved ones”.

Find a suitably despicable location You’ve spent enough time banging on about the evils of gentrification to know how it works. Avocado and egg sandwich For those with limited means but cumbersome levels of social ambition, the only option is the colonisation of

some misspent part of town where folks will let you plough your crappy wares for nothing out of sheer boredom. Avocado egg roll recipe from cheesecake factory Affordability and integrity walk hand in hand.

Recruit followers For a scene to work, you need a “group” or “team” or “gang”. Avocado egg bacon breakfast Should you have the requisite intelligence to bother embarking on this quest in the first place then have faith in your abilities, and that those around you will soak up your vision. Avocado egg rolls recipe cheesecake factory You need the hopeless, the washed-up or the utterly naive to be your pawns. Egg stuffed avocado recipes The more putty-like their minds, the easier their loyalty is to inspire.

Spread the word Even if your message is rooted in nothing but self-aggrandisement and nihilism, your “scene” must make those who partake in it feel “active’” If that involves throwing a spontaneous street party to celebrate the death of an old woman [as the Fat Whites were pictured doing in 2013 when Margaret Thatcher died], so be it. Baked avocado and egg It’s impossible for people to write about inaction.

Hey!!! For some reason people think leaving notes in the kitchen is passive aggressive, so I just wanted you to know that taking food from the fridge you definitely haven’t paid for is totally fine!!!

Enjoying your young romantic lives is all well and good, but if it could be a little bit more of the whispering missionaries and a little bit less of the barking dogs, that would be greatly appreciated over on this side of the wall.

GENERAL MESSAGE TO HOUSEMATES NOTICE: As well as enjoying my orange juice without bits, I also enjoy crushing horse laxatives into my drinks as a theft deterrent. Avocado with egg recipes But you’ll learn that soon enough. Avocado and egg pizza Enjoy.

To the person who keeps stealing my passive aggressive fridge notes – please continue to do so because I bloody love writing passive aggressive fridge notes.

Joel Dommett is touring to 11 Nov; The Elis James & John Robins Experience is touring to 14th Nov; Dane Baptiste is touring to 11 Mar; Ivo Graham is touring to 18 Nov